Isn’t it funny the way life pulls at your emotions?
This is for you.
Saturday, I woke up a bit sad, no tears this time, just a sting of pain that comes with missing you. I went about my business, finally had the courage to tell my sister most of what went wrong with you and I, without tears (that’s big for a softie like myself). I came home and I dare say I even forgot the heartbreak. We took down our Christmas tree to some Christmas music. I laughed for the first time in a long time. You hardly infiltrated my thoughts. I was so proud that Saturday was the first day I didn’t cry or miss you, a pain like my entire soul up inflames. And then I awoke Sunday. Tears streaming down my face. I cried for a couple hours and decided to shower. At exactly 10:35 AM your name appears on my phone’s screen. My tears stopped immediately, my heart pounding at an unsafe speed. I see your message, no hello, no how are you, no i miss you, no i love you. But just having you talking to me was everything I needed. You fixed me that day. We talked like if nothing had transpired between us. Everything felt right and so wrong at the same time. As I left, the promise of seeing you again, it filled all my hopes, even the most foolish ones. Texting you gave me some pep to my step, and then the messages stopped and came at lengthy intervals. But still they were coming. Until we said good night. They completely stopped. And now, you have me missing you once again. Aching. I’ve gone through our story time and time again, the kisses, the hugs, the pictures, the arguments, every which way. I’m searching. Longing for ways not to think of you and yet I fail every time. Save me from yourself. Save me from wanting you more and more. Save me from all the wondering, the questions. If you’re back, commit…fully. If not, stay gone.
How will I know if this is truly good-bye? Or are you coming back to break me to pieces once again?